So this is me.
I am a 21 year old uni student with no realistic ambitions or goals in sight. I am finishing my fourth year here at UNSW, going on fifth next year- in a 3 year course.
I have failed at almost every aspect in life that is considered essential to happiness.
I have no career, I have no friends, and I have no self love.
I do have a couple of things though, and that's a family, and a boyfriend.
But those two arent what I would deem to be entirely that flash- the two hardly know of eachother's existence for starters.
All the above is my fault. I'm not here to have a whinge or a cry. I'm rarely self pitying, but I do accept myself and my circumstances for who I am.
I'm a failure and a loser at what I do.
I've never been the motivated type in studies or work. I've never tried really hard to attain something studiously in my entire life. I've never worked a real day in my life- I leech off my parents income and "work" for them. My current Bachelor is nothing I would live off in the future. It provides nothing substantial and is merely a stepping stone to something that is now unattainable. I am at a dead end with my own direction- what am I saying, I have no direction.
My so-called best friends of 9 years from highschool have ditched me. I am the outcast girl now that the others have excluded from their special group. I'm the loner who would sit by herself at lunch pretending not to notice and care about the chattering girls in their own social groups walking by. I have never stepped outside my comfort zone and don't make friends very often. I always thought having few but good friends were all I needed.
I was so wrong.
There is a world full of interesting people that I had the chance to be acquainted to easily, yet I chose to be conceited and ignorant. I thought what I had was substantial and more than I could ask for. Now I know- nothing is for certain; people change, scenes change, everything is constantly moving around me, and here I am with my feet in the ground stubborn and persistent that I am a good person, I do the right things. I should not feel sorry nor regret at anything that I have done.
I have never mistreated anyone directly. I have never used nor taken advantage of anyone. I've never intentionally hurt anyone nor stood by and watched while someone else did.
I care about the people around me with a passion, ask me 5 years ago how I'd describe myself and I'd say I'm a people's person. I am not socially inadequate, I'm not a social retard.
Yet here I find myself, alone and forgotten.
I don't exist anymore.
I have no purpose here.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I disappeared. And my conclusion was; not much. The Australian medical system wont be missing anything but a failing undergraduate. My parents will perhaps be particularly upset but they have another two kids to feed their own lost hopes and dreams to. My boyfriend would be upset I presume but he has a knack for picking himself up and finding someone else. Especially if I'm not around to be posessive and guilt trip him back to me.
Other than these, no one else would even notice. Not a blink. Or a wink (half a blink).
All the people I had met in highschool. Tutoring. Uni. Friends of friends. Whatever. I am nothing. They have done nothing to make me think they care- or even like me. Perhaps I'm one of those kids. The ones that think everyone likes them and they're really funny and all, but the truth is everyone is laughing at you behind their backs and they wouldn't even fart next to you let alone sit next to you.
My birthdays always ended in melancholy. Last year, my most important; my 21st, ended in depression. I am, a nobody. Not only did no one even bother coming, one of my own best friends at the time left pretty much when she got there to go to "work" (clubbing promos). She didn't speak a proper word to me the whole time and acted quite annoyed that she even had to be there. And well trust me, it's not like she's never taken off work before. She just couldn't for me.
Anyway, I try to rid myself of these memories and negative thoughts and channel my energy towards something more positive; my boyfriend. Though I must admit it is not all dandy at times. He makes me happy. And that's all that matters. I don't care if it's temporary, I don't care if I lost my friends over it (apparently), I don't care most of all that I could be digging myself a bigger and deeper hole the more I attach myself to him- or do I?
At times I consider my situation if I lost him- which is highly likely eventually. I don't know how much longer he can stand me. I am such a disgusting clingy posessive moody unpredictable emotional wreck with him- and I have no idea why. That is another story to be told, but let's stick with the current affairs. So, where would I be without him and my rapidly disintegrating drive to go on?
I dont know.
I would need professional help. Or maybe I do already.